August

This one was hard, the guitar sounded really bad every time I tried to record it. I decided to abandon the original idea and play the chord changes in on piano. This didn't create the sense of urgency I was looking for. I still don't think I found it, but I at least like how it sounds with the synths, and fuzzy guitar.

The words are about being distraught at a party by a girl, and the source followed me to where I was staying the night. I prefer to run from feelings so I decided to walk home. This didn't make me feel better. I called Jordan with whom I was living with to come pick me up if he was still awake. He was usually awake during this period and came to save me from my self pity. After thinking about this, I came up with title. The ending is sort of is inspired by I'm your man. Just the part where he says  a man never got a women back by begging on his knees. Wanted to be the pathetic person who tried.

I was waiting on the corner for your eyes

When they found me i felt it in my spine

I was wondering what was in your mind

It was cold to leave me there the whole night

I came into the room my head, was a light

See you looking through me, like I was a ghost

Now this heat is burning all my thoughts

See you leaving, aren't you afraid what you left.

I didn't think that this would hurt me

I thought I was somehow above it all

You were some type of archetype

Caught in my weak ass poetry

Is it sadness? I feel so angry

It's my fault I didn't believe you completely

See i know you warned me

I just never thought it true

You lead. I followed.

And to where? To where didn't matter

I crumpled on the floor

like a stage actress

I didn't think that this would hurt me

I thought I was somehow above it all

You were some type of archetype

Caught in my weak ass poetry

I didn't say it hurt

I begged and pawed at your feet

asking for you to come back to me.

I'm the sad thing that

begged and pawed at your feet

asking for you to come back to me.

Come back to me oh

Please come back to me

Please treat me like shit

July

The music on this on felt like it came together pretty smoothly without much resistance into something I liked. The words did to I guess, I came up with them mostly while driving up to Portland. I felt like I was abandoning people I had already abandoned. To go somewhere where no one gave a shit about me anyway I also let bleed in some shoutouts to my social anxiety, my shitty singing and my desire to be able to communicate more successfully. I guess the last item ties back into the leaving part, Sorry for not keeping up. It's me, not you. here are the lyrics

I left my home where no one said my name

To where no one, no one knew my name

I see it as darkness, but it's what I wanted

I want to tell you everything

I think i finally, cut off that angry child

And now he's gone, I want to write clearly

I want to be a poet, I want to sing sweetly

Oh nevermind my voice annoys me

Can we burn the past

In effigy to all that's bad

Those little pains that seem to last

Consequence we already had.

Can we Forget the rest

It’s made out of bone and ash

The whole thing came flooding back

In a rush of blood, oh enough of that

Can I write to you in secret spots

A private place we can talk

away from the crowds inside me

so eager to tear me apart, leave me bloody

I want to make you see me, i want you to know me

I feel so inconsequential, oh

I want to be seen, i want to be heard

Nevermind i want to disappear

Can we burn the past

In effigy to all that's bad

Those little pains that seem to last

Consequence we already had.

Can we Forget the rest

It’s made out of bone and ash

The whole thing came flooding back

In Blood and shit enough of that

June

June was another weird month it was when I brought all our junk from Salt Lake to Portland. There was also a vacation where I didn't do any music, mostly just drank too much beer. When I was doing music I only had my computer, so I continued in the vein of May. This which worked out because I was mega into Dan Deacon at the time. I wanted to do effects on my voice, so I didn’t have to try and write a whole lot of lyrics. Maybe also because my wife was the only one I was showing songs to, and she hates my voice. On the plus side the title on this always makes me laugh.

Remember your Head

so thin

opened up

my old heart

standing there

I couldn't see it

oh that couldn’t be true

I was a child

I was a man

I was an asshole

I wasn’t always in a perfect place

but I tried to stand face to face

oh that couldn’t be true

oh that can’t be you

I held you high

we felt alive

and for a while that seemed enough

I wanted you

I wanted more

I lost everything

May

This is the first one that was mostly computery, so it’s probably noticeably lacking. I really liked the marimba and maybe shouldn't have tried to keep adding crap to it, although I do like the kind of wave of the guitar.  It was inspired by Majical Cloudz love soul a little, they inspire me a lot I guess. I listened to the National on the Song Exploader podcast and at the same time read How Music Works by David Byrne. They both had a method for writing lyrics where they make up nonsense along to the music then go in and try and fit words in and clean it up I tried that with this song first, I have done it a couple of other times since. The Title came from some Twitter friends catchphrase. @Tweets_In_A_Cup

I waited

I wanted all along

what should’ve been yours

I’m sorry

I feel wrong

it seems insecure

When you disappear

I’ll draw your face on my wall

I dream of what we could’ve had

and how I miss you above all

Choices hold me down

I don’t know

it just feels like this darkness oh

over all

You

Over all

I wallowed

I faded

Until night came the same

So Sorry

for all the faults

my mind seems to create

as you dance across the sky

while I listen for your call

I think of what we left behind

and how I miss you above all

Choices hold me down

I don’t know

it just feels like this darkness oh

over all

you

over all

April

This one I wrote while we staying in Portland looking for a house. I was pretty bored and playing acoustic guitar a fair amount. I found the little hook thing, I had recorded it just like 40 seconds in 2009. I was uninspired with other ideas so I tried to fill it out. I was having trouble recording the acoustic and getting it to sound good. I ended up really liking the bass. I don’t know if I have much to say about this one. I like that it’s kinda poppy.

There’s a hole in my heart

In the shape of girl, I once knew

I don’t know what is gone.

But something sure feels lost

I feel like I've got nothing left

You said of course you do

Otherwise you couldn't be in so much pain

There’s a hole in my heart

In the shape of girl, I once knew

I don’t know what is gone.

But something sure feels lost

aint nothing wrong

with that way you felt

It just time passing through your life

She said it looks like paris

if you close your eyes

we laughed, just our voices and ciggeretes

to fill the night

The way she smiled

the closer we got as time passed

felt so alive, I knew it just couldn’t last

What if I coulda touched one more time

before you left

To carve out a life in San Fransico

without me in it

I was drowning in the message that you sent

I felt like I wouldn’t touch the ground again

I felt like I wouldn’t touch the ground again

There’s a hole in my heart

in the shape of girl of a girl i once knew

all my bloods pouring out, I’m feeling real sick

I don’t know what to do.

March

This one Jamie and Lana went to sleep early which was unusual so I had some time to myself. I was listening to Leonard Cohen, Chelsea Hotel I think. I was drinking whiskey with my guitar and thinking about Rudy. I wrote down the words and did some light editing, but they pretty much stayed the same. The big change was switching from guitar to piano. I didn’t like the guitar it was to folky. I hadn’t done anything with piano before and was stuck at how to fill out the sound because I thought it got a little to repetitive. I added bass, but that didn’t help with the repetition. So I did a  flute and synth loop, and I kinda beat on my snare drum after I recorded the vocal. trying to make it interesting

I remember the nights

We’d just sat in your room

Just singing and getting high

when I think of it now

it pains me so much

I miss it with my whole life

We seem just like kids

In my memory

So light and unafraid

But if I’m honest

We both had our trouble

And i wish i still had you here

All we wanted to be was somewhere else

anywhere at all

as long it was away

All we wanted to be was something else

Anything at all as long as we changed

whatever we could create

I write to the darkness

And know you can't see it

But it still relieves my mind

If i ignore all the silence

That always comes in reply

That comes in reply

and i don't think it true

That it was all for the music

Just a sense of belonging

And a partner to share it

The confusion

youthful longing

All we wanted to be somewhere else

Now i guess that we made it

It's awful

All we wanted to be something else

We're different

just not in anyway we wanted

Or expected

February

This one I had a sort of picking progression on my acoustic guitar and followed the same babbling lyric method I used in January. I got this one recorded quicker after dragging my feet the first month. I found this helpful and could pick out little things to add musically. I guess the words were kind of came out of feeling old, I think I turned 30 this month, maybe it was 31. also I thought of the book “The Thief of Always” I connected with it because February is important to me and it opens with a line like, The great grey beast of February swallowed him whole. I don’t know where my copy is to double check. it’s a pretty good book. Here are the words that made the cut.

I feel overwhelmed sometimes, out of my mind the rest

but she comes, sings so soft in my head

she has words to keep darkness at bay

pages darkened by ink just fade away

What I  wanted, What I lost, I don’t know no more

Do you want to be alone, do you want to follow me anymore

the miles that separated us, I thought we could rise above

words fall short, I couldn’t grow, when you weren’t beside me

time is death, we are older, all time is dust, in the end

we are shadows, of what we have been

Hide in corners long forgotten

Oh i wonder how we've grown so small

The grey beast, i guess comes for us all

but sometimes it falls away, and everything feels ok

and we are together, just fuck and sleep

When I was young, I dreamt of love, I don’t think about it much anymore

but dreams cast aside, Promises broken, potential long passed away

what we lost, while we grow older, it’s gone, gone to dust

time is death, it's just water, all time is dust, in the end